Seasons happened. Things got colder and harder. Suddenly I found myself smoking circles in the air which is a natural phenomenon in winters and I was not okay. I wish, I was someone’s favourite person.
That night I disconnected the call with my trembling voice saying that something is wrong with the network while everything was wrong with me, I cried discreetly but secretly wished that someone would notice and rescue me from myself. That night I realised that some stories are meant to be happy ones, but not mine.
I don’t want to hear, “You’re strong and you’ll make it through”, but all I want to hear is, “It’s okay to feel weak sometimes, I’ll help you to make it through”, I want someone to clutch my hand and pull me out of darkness. Maybe I am not needy but I am just a little more human, a not so strong independent man. Sometimes I am very afraid of my very existence, because, in this discriminative society a weak man is not accepted. They say, “Man is meant to be strong, if you are not strong then you are not a man”. Huh……!
It’s 2am on the bedside clock and I miss you. I got up to make myself a cup of coffee and light up a cigarette. Cigarettes really release stress. I hope it lessens my pain. It has started to rain, and I am already losing this fight. We remained a tale for eternity, but a love story never meant to be. I’ll remember the moments; you made me feel loved more than the times you said, “I love you”. There was no eye contact, no touch…..but just a skip in the heartbeat. “LUB-DUBB…..LUB-DUBB”, I could hear my aching heart speaking up your name in desperation and I could do nothing to make it calm as “All is Well” theory is only applicable in films but not in real life. I really wish that it was that easy to make a heart full of agony and sorrow calm so that it too can take rest from getting such refusals or betrayals.
It’s 3am. I don’t know why I am writing all these. I think, I should get back to bed, because, tomorrow’s dawn will bring a new sunlight in my life. I know you won’t be there in my life anymore, but yes, I must learn the art of moving on. But I will always remember the promise you made, “I’ll never leave you”— I played the voice message again……………………………….